NOT YOUR DAY.

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SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL BRIDESMAIDS
[posted 06.30.2003]

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DON’T mentally calculate how many adorable vintage dresses you could have purchased with the money you spent on 1) hideous dress 2) hideous shoes 3) getting the hideous shoes dyed to match the hideous dress 4) hideous hairdo.

DO get drunk.

DON’T laugh maniacally during the ceremony or chuckle to yourself quietly, “It’s all so wrong, my God, it’s all so wrong.”

DO get drunk.

DON’T physically assault the wedding photographer when he suggests taking your picture for the 100th fucking time in 100 degree heat while you are wearing the aforementioned hideous dress.

DO get drunk.

DON’T viciously attack the groomsmen who try to “freak” you during the reception as you may be arrested. Simply walk slowly to the bar.

DO get drunk.

DON’T start rambling nonsensically to all the elderly people at the reception about how weddings are just a disgusting capitalist display of wealth and power and how the money it cost to make your hideous dress could have fed 10 Ethiopians for two months.

DO get drunk.

DON’T scream at your mother in the hotel elevator that no you don’t have an earthly clue as to when you and your boyfriend are going to get married and you aren’t in a rush and you don’t have this raging desire to have a wedding and you want to live together first anyway and Oh my God mother do you really think I’d actually have a Catholic priest perform the ceremony you must be out of your God damn mind and would you for one second let it rest?

DO get drunk.

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jennifer mathieu writes for houston’s alternative weekly, the press.