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To: Chris Klein
From: Jessica Popover-Cimino
This is the first letter I have ever written to a famous person. I know that you are very busy, but I really really love you and all your movies and so I want you to know how I feel about you. I know it is very hard to become famous because my older sister moved to LA seven years ago and she’s been trying really hard but I haven’t heard of her yet. She works in a restaurant and my father won’t ever let us stop by there when we visit her because “I didn’t pay for four years of college so Diana could spin around a poll and shake it for married losers.” My sister says that’s silly because Demi Moore and Elizabeth Berkeley make movies about her job and so it’s completely acceptable. Her restaurant is called the Pussy Palace if you want to have dinner there.
I read in Entertainment Weekly that you have a dog. I used to have a dog but it peed on my Mom while she was watching her programs so she missed it when Pacey kissed the teacher for the first time and she made me get rid of it. Now I have a fish named Heather Graham. I know you are doing a movie with her now. Isn’t that a funny coincidence? There’s a boy in my school whose name is Chris and I call him Chris Klein because it makes me feel closer to you.
Chris, I have seen all of your movies.American Pie is so funny! How did you make it that funny? I know you work really hard and so does Freddie Prinze Jr. to be really good in all your movies. Do you ever go out with Freddie Prinze Jr.? I hate Sarah Michelle Gellar because Freddie did not return the last letter I wrote him. She is selfish.
I know you don’t know this, but I have seen Election six times and I’m not even supposed to see it once. I’m 12, but I look 16 and my friends voted that my stomach is most like Brittany Spears. That was a few months ago because I haven’t seen them as much lately. I am devoting most of my time now to watching your movies on video. Are you excited for Rollerball to come out? I am soooooo excited. Chris, I know that there is an age difference between us, but there is a huge difference between Joey Fatone and Justin Timberlake and I don’t think it has made the band less good. If you can wait until I am 16 and old enough to do nude scenes, I know I can be famous with you. I would love to hang out with Liv Tyler and double date with her boyfriend who is a rock star. Did you know that Liv Tyler’s dad is famous too? That was dumb of me. You probably hang out.
I have to go now but I will write again soon. Tomorrow is the first day of school but I am faking that I have the flu because J. Lo is going to be on The View. When will you be on it? I will be sick again, of course!
Please write back and tell me if you think I will be famous,
jessica popover-cimino is admired the world over for her plucky, can-do spirit.